


feel

by keyneki



Category: Mystic Messenger (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, Spoilers, i made my friend cry with this, listen don't read this unless you've read all of secret ending 01 it has huge spoilers, sort of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-12
Updated: 2016-10-12
Packaged: 2018-08-22 03:13:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,858
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8270438
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/keyneki/pseuds/keyneki
Summary: Jumin has always been good at hiding his emotions, but everyone has someone who unravels them.





	

For the first time in his life, Jumin was holding back tears.

He had always taught himself that emotions were futile, that they were just a reaction in his brain, but standing in front of his best friend's grave, he wasn't so sure.

Although he wasn't in the chatroom a lot, V had always been there for Jumin. When the RFAmembers found out that he had actually been working behind their backs and helping Rika, it had cuthis heart like a knife. However, Jumin was able to suppress it. He knew V was so in love with Rika that he could forgive the other man and squish back any emotions he may have felt about the betrayal.

But now, Jumin felt like he would have to freeze his insides to stop himself from bursting into tears.

V had always been a constant presence, like the wind at Jumin's side- even though he couldn't always see him, he would always come back and be there for Jumin in the end, and Jumin hadloved him for that. And now the wind was gone.

Everyone offered their condolences to Jumin- Assistant Kang, [y/n], Yoosung and Saeyoung, and even Zen had come up to say he was sorry. Of course, Jumin always told them he was fine- it was what they expected of him. But really, he felt...

Still.

So still.

Jumin excused himself from the end- it was just another short speech from just another person who could have never known V as well as Jumin did, another speech filled with sugar-coated words talking about what a wonderful life this man lived and how horrible it was that he had passed so young. Jumin felt sick to his stomach hearing it, and felt no shame as he quietly walked away.

He was able to hold himself together until he got to the bathroom.

It was an unfamiliar feeling to hear himself crying, but he was- it had started out as silent tears, but had progressed to almost outright sobbing. Jumin couldn't help but think to himself how incredibly undignified it was as he let out another soft but wracking cry, grabbing a tissue from the box sitting next to the sink to blow his nose on.

He took a deep breath.

One, then another. And then another.

He slowly returned to a regular breathing pattern, dabbing at his still-red eyes in the mirror. He was going to have to go out again in a second so no one suspected anything, so he had to ready himself again quickly.

The rest of the funeral passed in a haze- Jumin felt like he was floating through it all. He made idle conversation with some other funeral-goers, mostly about what a shame it was that they were here and all the words Jumin had trivialized earlier.

He was relieved when it was finally over. He got into his car without a word, and Driver Kim only had to take one look at him to know that he wasn't in the mood to talk. And so they were silent the whole way home. 

As soon as Jumin laid down on his bed, he was asleep. 

And then he began to dream.

~~~~~~~~

Jumin blinked- this dream felt so much more vivid than normal. He could feel the mist in the air, and the atmosphere felt so familiar.. he could swear he recognized the view..

Oh. This was his childhood home, on the small balcony he had outside his bedroom. The one his parents had was bigger, but his was a good size. It had two chairs on it for if he wanted to go on it with any friends he might have brought home. Of course, the only friend he ever brought was V.

Jumin heard a clanking sound, and a clumsy laugh. He turned around to face the chairs, and his eyes widened.

It was like looking in a mirror. A mirror that showed ten years ago.

In the chairs sat him and V- they looked like teenagers here, and they had a bottle of wine and two glasses sitting between them. Young Jumin was smiling and staring at V almost dreamily, which made present Jumin's face burn. Had he really been like that?

He knew in his heart that he had.

"Th-this is the most fun I've had in awhile."

Young Jumin was still staring at V, his lips turned upwards in a smile that was almost goofy and very non-Juminlike. That was how V had made him feel back then, and even now, Jumin can vividly remember the sensation. The alcohol was probably pulling it out of him.

"Yeah," V said breathlessly, smiling in his usual soft manner at Jumin. It still took Jumin's breath away when V smiled for real- he looked so gorgeous and caring and it made Jumin understand why V liked photography- Jumin would be happy if he could stare at that smile forever.

Jumin watched as young Jumin leaned forward, even closer to V.

"We rarely get to see each other anymore, let alone like this... It's just so nice to be able to see you like this, even if only for one night."

"I feel the same way," V whispered.

Jumin watched as his younger self leaned forward, resting his head in his hand on the table. He pressed his lips to V's cheek, and current Jumin's cheeks lit up red. He remembered this moment very vaguely- how warm V's cheek felt through the haze of alcohol, how his lips tingled afterwards  
and how V leaned forward to press his forehead to Jumin's.

It was such an intimate moment that current Jumin felt like he was intruding, even though it was a memory from his own past.

Then, he started to dissolve.

His last glimpse of that scene was his younger self and younger V, leaning their heads together gently. Jumin felt a twinge of pain at his heart as the scene completely faded away- he knew that deep down in his heart, he wanted to keep watching. He wanted those times back- the times when he had a chance, the times before V... before he...

He was saved from finishing the thought when he was plunged into a completely different scene- a country road at night, seemingly in the middle of nowhere. The sky was overwhelming- it felt like it could close in on Jumin and swallow him whole, and looking at it gave him a strange sense of déjà vu.

Then it hit him- he remembered when he had been here before.

Jumin heard the faint rumbling of a car from behind him, and he turned around in time to see a convertible come down the road, slowing as it reached him. He walked over to the look into the car, and sure enough, he saw, once again, him and V. This was a time that Jumin remembered vividly- they had been about twenty-one or twenty-two, and V had convinced Jumin to accompany him on a drive for a few days. Jumin had never been able to appreciate the real art and meaning of just driving  
aimlessly for days, but he would go if it made V happy.

"It's beautiful, isn't it?" V asked younger Jumin, smiling softly in his direction. God, how Jumin wished he could see that smile again. His eyes prickled at the thought, but he swallowed heavily to hold back the lump in his throat.

"It is," younger Jumin responded, nodding appreciatively. V didn't seem satisfied with that, but he nodded back, tilting his head back further to look at the sky more clearly.

Young Jumin wasn't looking at the sky, however- his gaze was on V and the expression of awe on the other man's face. This time, Jumin wasn't able to hold in a couple of tears as they ran down his face. All these years dedicated to apathy, all swiped away by one man. The things love could do.

"You know... you were right when you said it was beautiful." young Jumin said quietly. V turned to face Jumin and nodded, his eyes warm. Jumin immediately felt glad that he had said that when he saw how happy V looked.

"I'm glad you can see it now... May I take a photo of you?"

Young Jumin's eyebrows raised, but he nodded.

"Look out at the sky and think about something... something that makes you happy. Something beautiful."

Jumin remembered very clearly who he thought about as he listened for the click of the camera.

AS the scene started to dissolve, Jumin almost cried out- no, no, let me stay, let me watch for longer, let me see him one last time, but he knew it was a dream. A dream wouldn't listen to him.

 

A third scene began to materialize around Jumin- this was an office, Jumin's office. This must have been a more recent flashback. He glanced over at the desk, and saw himself sitting there- He must have been... what, twenty-four here?

"Jumin. Hello."

Present Jumin's eyebrows shot up, and he turned to see V walking into the room.

"V! It's been forever- you didn't tell me you were going to be coming today."

"Yes... I didn't quite know myself. There has been something I've been wanting to tell you about, though, ever since it happened."

Jumin cocked his head, looking up at V expectantly. "Yes, what is it?"

V looked down and smiled, a shy but sunny smile that made Jumin's heart race and his chest sink. He knew what V was about to say. He remembered this day as clearly as glass.

"I met someone. She's a fan of my paintings, she says she finds peace through them. She's beautiful and loves helping people... She reminds me of the sun."

Jumin could feel the poison in his throat- it had been ten times worse the first time he had heard it.

"Oh. She sounds wonderful," younger Jumin said. "You'll have to introduce us."

"I will. Her name is Rika," V said. "I know you'll love her."

"Yes, I'm sure I will," Jumin said, his smile looking almost icy now. "Well... I have a lot of work to catch up with, but it was wonderful to see you again."

"Jumin, are you okay?"

Yes, Jumin thought, I was fine. I loved watching the man I loved- the man who I thought knew I loved him- fall for someone else. 

Why were Jumin's dreams so cruel?

And for the last time, the scene dissolved around Jumin. He was still taking everything in-most noticeably how it now felt like his heart had been run through with a rusty sword. Being forced to relieve his feelings for V only after everything had happened was so painful, Jumin felt like wincing at the thought. Maybe this was his brain's subconscious way of making him finally face up to his feelings.

When Jumin came to, it was the middle of the night and he was laying in his bed. His face felt sticky, and he reached up to feel his cheek.

Tears.

God, why did he have to feel?

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first REAL fanfiction on here bc im trash for this game so i hope you guys liked it B)) (by the way,,,, if u comment i will love you forever 100% guarentee)


End file.
